"Bigger kids, bigger problems," is the conventional wisdom about raising children. I am always skeptical about conventional wisdom, but I am learning the truth of the saying. I have five children who range in age from 3 months to 13 years to test the theory.

My oldest daughter auditioned for a summer dance workshop recently. She loves classical ballet; dance is the focus of her extracurricular activities. Her dance ability is normal, and her figure is normal. She is relatively short for her age, and her legs are normally proportioned for her height. She does not possess the long-legged, arrestingly lean figure of a traditional classical ballerina, and yet already, other girls her age do.

When Sara dances next to one of them, she appears more babyish, more round. Ballet is grace, strength, musicality, and technique, but it is also a performance art. Sara enjoys performing. She likes the stage. Yet her small, normal body is a limitation on her ability to progress in classical ballet. How can I help her to continue to strive in and enjoy dance if she will not be chosen for the classes and parts she desires?

A ballet teacher volunteered this advice, "Let her take classes in other forms of dance: modern, jazz, and tap. Ballet is the underpinning for these other dance forms, but body type does not matter as much in them."

But Sara does not like these other forms as much. The elegance and beauty of classical ballet moves her.

Recently we went to see a MOMIX family matinee performance with her three preteen friends. The girls, who are awakening to their own and the world's sexuality, were shocked by the suggestiveness (to their minds) of the modern dance performance. They giggled and whispered to each other in embarrassment. The young children in the audience loved the show. They were enchanted by the movement and strength of the dancers who were muscular and lean, but not uniformly tall and long-limbed.

A family friend suggested kindly, "Don't interfere. She will see for herself what her limitations are. Sara is sensitive, and she will be hurt, like my daughter Megan often was growing up. Just be there to give her hugs when she is quiet."

What's a mother to do about these big kid problems? I want Sara to realize her dreams, but I want her to begin to recognize that her dreams may have to be adjusted to fit reality. How do I help her make this leap with confidence and spirit? We all, when our children are young, encourage them to think that they can do anything. Yet, as they begin to grow older, they cannot do anything and everything they desire.

When I was young, I was deeply moved by the nonfiction book, "Karen." As a baby Karen was diagnosed with cerebral palsy. Her loving and devoted family helps her to overcome many challenges as she grows into a happy child. She learns to swim and ride horses. But eventually, she must choose between the two sports. Her body, with its muscular limitations, cannot adapt to the physical demands of both swimming and riding. I sobbed when I read about the unfair cruelty of the choice she faced when so much free, normal movement was denied to her.

And yet, now I see, as a mother myself, that all children as they become big kids and grow toward adulthood, must begin to confront and make difficult decisions between what they would like to do and become and the reality of what is possible.